My net is still down :(.

I had a good weekend roleplaying. We all geeked out, but Anxiety and I were having problems not chatting it up and concentrating on the game. It was nice to see Geoffery and them. The house was full and fun was had.

The snow is still here. Every time Barry and I step outside we get into mini snow fights. I can't help it. Barry starts his new job on Monday and today we started the proccess of getting stuff transfered up to Portland so we can move in a few months (crosses fingers).

Anyways my net is still down. They say the overhaul on the system is happening the 1rst. We will have to see.

My partners came down last night for some movies and pizza. We spent alot of time on the couch snuggling and talking. Got a few gliches worked out and a few more brought into the open. Some days I just can't believe how well we all communicate. My wonderful boyfriend and I had some great conversation. Although it's not always the conversation part I am looking for *wink*. I feel a little in strage spot right now. Living a little too far away and barely being able to schedule time for a day a week with them. The balancing act is getting interesting at this point. Barry should start his new job soon and depending on his shcedule it is going to jumble it up even more.

Not enough time it seemed last night. Maybe this next weekend we will have a little more.

Sitting at my friends' house. My net is down (again). Suck.

Getting ready for a busy weekend and week ahead of me. I am hoping things keep going well. We are having quite a few people over for thanksgiving. Hwo does this native american do the holiday? Well we eat food watch movies and bitch about the Europeans comming here in the first place...lol

Happiness

You know, there's something about having three wonderful people on your life that you can just get lost in their eyes with feelings of adoration.

I am one lucky bitch.

A post I stole from Veronica

Cause it's that damn cheesy, and I like it...


There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at
The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at
8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a
knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door
and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is
incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire
production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena
surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red
fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as
she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins
to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel
Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls
himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I
think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...Your job is
to give Elmo two test tickles."

Just got home not too long ago. Had a wonderful relaxing night with my partners. Arlo and I made dinner (which was perfect). Then afterward we all snuggled and talked on the couch. It was just what I needed. I have had a rough week with no lightening up in the foreseeable future. Being surrounded with snuggly love and laughter. That and we Managed to keep Barry and Cat from trying to cook..lol.

I sat at her side most of the day well into the night. She is in pain. She can barely breath, think or talk. most of the time she is in a state of unconsciousness. I run my fingers through her hair. Give her kisses on her cheek and forehead. Cool wet rags to wipe the sweat away. I whisper I love you's in her ear. Sing her the songs she loved to sing me as a child. Hold her hand. Put chap stick on her cracked lips. Feed her one ice cube at a time. I will show her I am strong. She expects it of me. I am her rod, her tree. I will will let her hold to me till the last excruciating breath. As I sing her breathing calms down, her pain less apparent. She tells me to make sure we are good children. She wants us to be the best, to behave. Tells me I am her best Friend in the world. She falls asleep again. Struggling to hold on. I tell her she can go. We are okay, I will make sure of it. I will keep my promise, I will take care of them all. Now she sleeps. My father lovingly by her side. Waiting once again for a chance to talk to her. To let her know he is still there. His voice singing "Why do birds suddenly apear, everytime you are near? They're just like me they long to be, close to you". Just as he has sung to her every night for the last few years till she sleeps well and his voice has gone dry. I walk out for a few minutes. Sit in the car. Lay my head on my love's lap and weep. I weep hard and long, but not long enough to be gone more than 20 minutes. Sobs escape me. A sound only my parents have heard from me. He holds me and weeps with me. I wipe my eyes. get out of the car. It's too much. My stomach empties. I pull it all together. I have gotten it out for the time being. I go back and comfort and sit. This isn't the way it's suppose to be. She was to be in her bed. In less pain. Quite and loved. Snuggled and caressed by the love of her life. Then sleep and gently slip away. No hospital, no IV's. Yet she still fights. It's up to her now. She can go when she wants to. She said maybe Friday. She will see. Keep my promise. Take care of them. Make sure they stay well. I will go back to her side. Comfort her. I don't want her to be without me as she goes to the next existence. I would walk her there if I could.

Immersed in Compersion

First off for those who have no idea what I am talking about here is the Wiki explanation on compersion.

So Arlo and Kat keep talking about a Sabrina. So I got into a conversation about her today with Kat. After explaining the origin of the friendship between Sabrina and Arlo, Kat was expressing how happy she would be if they did become a couple. So we giggled over the details. Both of us thrilled that he has someone so extremely close to him. Hoping for the best outcome. Kat also really wants Barry and I to meet her. Compersion is flying all over right at the moment. Now is the time I really need some of that happiness. This reminds me why I am the way I am to begin with.

The infinate sadness of my heart - the seeping wound about to burst

Tonight I may lose
my best freind
The person responsible
of bringing me into this world
The cracks in my heart are falling to pieces
melancholy clouds come in
Tears seem so premature yet still are there
All night in the waiting room just to hear
nothing
Now I wait
maybe an hour
maybe three
not a lifetime anymore
soon I will know
If I will loose her
my heart
my glue
my creator
and nurturer
A china doll teetering on the ledge
Strength is harder to find now
I have it somewhere

A little about it..

Well I haven't posted about my appointment yet due to the fect I am still a little shocked and really haven't thought much about it. In a way I am trying not to make it a big deal and just go on.

I have lost what was left of my hearing in my right ear. I am very slowly (at this point) starting to loose it in my left as well. They are looking for some surigical and one non-surgical solutions on my right ear at this time to help my balance out a little bit. All of them involve destroying or removing the inner ear and the vesto-cochear nerve in the brain. Due to the large amount of hearing loss in my right ear they couldn't really get any results from the testing to comfirm what was going on. Although the left ear did test possitive for Meniere's disease. Also I have an occular disorder in which my eyes do not move in sync with each other.

What does all of this mean?

Well I have become pretty hard of hearing. Which many of you already know. I throughout time will probably become deaf. We have no idea how long it will take. Even after the sgurgeries and treatments on my right ear I may still have dizziness and vertigo spells along with my constant imbalance.

On the bright side..

When I do go deaf I may be a canidate to have a cochlear implant on my left side. It's not fatal, just a pain in the ass.

Hmmm

Your Personality Profile

You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant. Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle. You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs. For you, comfort and calm are very important. You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection. You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Here we go..

SO I am packing up. Getting ready to go to Portland. I check into the hospital at 7am. I have been off all my medications for 3 days now and the world is moving freely in my sight. The ground looks like ocean waves. Well that's when it's not rapidly spinning with the walls and other various objects. Spinning up down side to side. I am quite tired due to my brain miss firing. Tomorrow I get a battery of tests, including electrodes all over my head and in my ears conducting impulses, add to that water At various temperatures flushed at high rates into my ear canals, and a few different rotating platforms and chairs. Oh yeah, welcome puke-fest 2006. Luckily it's only for 10 FUCKING HOURS!

Yeah, sigh. Better to get it over with all at once than to do it in sessions I guess. Especially when I can't take my meds for three days first.