*Cross Posted from my live journal
Got up bright and early, Walked downstairs to my back-up storage unit (the mini-van), Pulled my camping gear out, got into closets and boxes foraging for more material to start another 10-hour day of sewing like a Asian in a sweatshop (hey I am part Chinese, I can take it), Unpacked my china (which was protected by part of my material stash), Sewed for hours on end, and then went to coffee and practiced sign language for 4 hours. Tomorrow will not be as relaxed.
My shining moments of the day were completing my two pirate wench outfits. In which I looked so sexy and wenchy I fetched beers a half hour afterwards for people. Then in signing practice I learned survival signs, like coffee and chocolate; and teenage communication, like whatever, don't care, stupid, and not listening.
All in all, It was a busy but fulfilling day.
Friday morning we are off to the event!!
YAY!
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Friday, June 22, 2007
The week crashes down on me
I try to stay in tune with the vibrations of life. My mother laying sick in bed, I try to make her as comfortable as possible.She worries about what's going on, and my reaction to my situation. It's not about me right now I tell her. Let's just get you more comfortable. She loves me so much. She reads me so well. I thought talking about it would really let her down. She still thinks highly of me. She still treats me as an adult. I message her painful feet and legs. I rub her back,. Barry turns up her oxygen. We sit and hold hands with her. I give her kisses on her forehead. Look into her eyes. We laugh a little, to ease the pain. Then I have to leave, in a few days I will be back and do it all over again. I would forever for her. But leaving even for a little I feel like I am abandoning her.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Expressing love in relationships
So today I ask myself to look at all of my interpersonal relationships. I am blessed with many people in my life in which I love in as many different ways. SO why is it I can tel my friends how much I love them, yet have a problem when it comes to expressing that to my "lovers"? I get all choked up when I have the burning urge to say the same.
Is it fear of rejection? No i really don't think that's it. Is it fear of the words not being returned? NO I don't think that's it either. My feelings are my own, if someone hasn't had enough time to know whether they love me or not, or if the word has a different meaning to them, it still doesn't effect my emotions in anyway. I have been looking in side myself to solve this riddle.
I really think what it is all about is sex. Dumb as that may seem. It seems like the people I have sex with, are the ones I fear saying the words to the most. But currently the people I have sex with are the ones that are closest in my life. I do love them all. SO what's up? A while back I had a wonderful night with one of my partners and I just wanted to tell him how much I love him, yet my heart was racing and I couldn't do it. But inside I was glowing, with love and passion, adoration and respect for him.
I think my fear stems in the fact that so many people equate sex with love. I have purposefully concentrated in my entire life to not have the attitude that good sex = Love, because in many cases it doesn't. Especially when you have sex with a new partner in the beginning of your relationship. So here lies my issue. I know I would love the people in my life whether I was having sex with them or not. Don't get me wrong the sex is powerful and amazing. Nonetheless I would still love them. Yet there is that over looming feeling that if I express that love it may seem to reflect in a different light due to the sex.
So pretty much I talk myself in circles. How could a word and such a good feeling cause so much anxiety? I am not sure I have had this problem as badly before. But I know I have had it in the past. One word just doesn't seem to cover the intensity of my friendship, trust, respect, and desire to always have a person in my life. I feel it falls short and is too easily misinterpreted.
I know I love many, that's what is so wonderful about my life and the people in it. We all have the capacity to really love and respect the others in our life in such amazing ways, and it seems the more we express it the more we all learn and grow from each other. So why not just look into someones eyes when you are overjoyed with their presence and say " wow you're amazing, I love having you in my life, thank you for being with me, I love you." ? Doesn't seem that hard, but for this closet sensualist it really can be.
Is it fear of rejection? No i really don't think that's it. Is it fear of the words not being returned? NO I don't think that's it either. My feelings are my own, if someone hasn't had enough time to know whether they love me or not, or if the word has a different meaning to them, it still doesn't effect my emotions in anyway. I have been looking in side myself to solve this riddle.
I really think what it is all about is sex. Dumb as that may seem. It seems like the people I have sex with, are the ones I fear saying the words to the most. But currently the people I have sex with are the ones that are closest in my life. I do love them all. SO what's up? A while back I had a wonderful night with one of my partners and I just wanted to tell him how much I love him, yet my heart was racing and I couldn't do it. But inside I was glowing, with love and passion, adoration and respect for him.
I think my fear stems in the fact that so many people equate sex with love. I have purposefully concentrated in my entire life to not have the attitude that good sex = Love, because in many cases it doesn't. Especially when you have sex with a new partner in the beginning of your relationship. So here lies my issue. I know I would love the people in my life whether I was having sex with them or not. Don't get me wrong the sex is powerful and amazing. Nonetheless I would still love them. Yet there is that over looming feeling that if I express that love it may seem to reflect in a different light due to the sex.
So pretty much I talk myself in circles. How could a word and such a good feeling cause so much anxiety? I am not sure I have had this problem as badly before. But I know I have had it in the past. One word just doesn't seem to cover the intensity of my friendship, trust, respect, and desire to always have a person in my life. I feel it falls short and is too easily misinterpreted.
I know I love many, that's what is so wonderful about my life and the people in it. We all have the capacity to really love and respect the others in our life in such amazing ways, and it seems the more we express it the more we all learn and grow from each other. So why not just look into someones eyes when you are overjoyed with their presence and say " wow you're amazing, I love having you in my life, thank you for being with me, I love you." ? Doesn't seem that hard, but for this closet sensualist it really can be.
Sunday, June 03, 2007
Backpacking the universe and the esoteric deistractions of an exoteric life
I've been thinking lot lately about the general populaces "sense of community". Or even lack thereof. It seems this planets human population is splitting into two parts, the consumers who just can't get enough product, toys and money for their personal lifes, and the people who focus more on the large picture of humanities roles on this earth, the way we interact with each other and the planet. Who are you? This shift has been happening for generations and I am sure will go on for many more through the generational cycles. Today I ask myself, "what will I leave behind to make the future better? How am I living to take an active part in social and ecological changes and preservation.
I've been reading alot over the last few years on ecological sustainable living. Most people when they hear or think about it, think of the woods in the middle of nowhere with a whole bunch of hippies on a commune. But that is no longer becoming the case. People now have the ability to still live in the cities and build eco-friendly houses and co-operative communities without compromising their lifestyle. Workshops all over the country (many here in the NW) can help you learn how to make wonderfully ascetic eco-friendly housing without being a millionaire. Also co-op communities are better run through the legal systems better understanding of their communities needs. We are not to the point where everything is perfect, in a matter of fact we are still very young as communities in how these things are done. But progress is being made.
Also what are we doing to better the lives of those around us? Demeanor, action, interaction, and involvement are keys to building a community. Through community centers and projects how are we bettering our relationship with those in the city in which we interact? Opportunities exist, more opportunities can be brought on by anyone with a good idea. Balancing ecology and technology as well as connecting with our communities is very possible with minimal effort. What if we all just put a little more then minimal effort to commune with our city brothers and sisters? Bring Ideas together and take positive actions for all. Not just those who are similar to you, but the community as a whole. A smile spreads throughout the day, so does a frown. A good idea with a smile I believe goes much better than a good idea with negativity laced in it. A friendly hello and a brainstorm of random community members on even the smallest scale can spread and make a better place for all. Share an idea, help a neighbor, live within the earths limitations, understand the people and enviroment around you. I think we can all help things go easier and faster if we do it together.
P.S.
Thank you for reading my babble. Just had to get some of what's in my head out there, and hope someone else connects.
I've been reading alot over the last few years on ecological sustainable living. Most people when they hear or think about it, think of the woods in the middle of nowhere with a whole bunch of hippies on a commune. But that is no longer becoming the case. People now have the ability to still live in the cities and build eco-friendly houses and co-operative communities without compromising their lifestyle. Workshops all over the country (many here in the NW) can help you learn how to make wonderfully ascetic eco-friendly housing without being a millionaire. Also co-op communities are better run through the legal systems better understanding of their communities needs. We are not to the point where everything is perfect, in a matter of fact we are still very young as communities in how these things are done. But progress is being made.
Also what are we doing to better the lives of those around us? Demeanor, action, interaction, and involvement are keys to building a community. Through community centers and projects how are we bettering our relationship with those in the city in which we interact? Opportunities exist, more opportunities can be brought on by anyone with a good idea. Balancing ecology and technology as well as connecting with our communities is very possible with minimal effort. What if we all just put a little more then minimal effort to commune with our city brothers and sisters? Bring Ideas together and take positive actions for all. Not just those who are similar to you, but the community as a whole. A smile spreads throughout the day, so does a frown. A good idea with a smile I believe goes much better than a good idea with negativity laced in it. A friendly hello and a brainstorm of random community members on even the smallest scale can spread and make a better place for all. Share an idea, help a neighbor, live within the earths limitations, understand the people and enviroment around you. I think we can all help things go easier and faster if we do it together.
P.S.
Thank you for reading my babble. Just had to get some of what's in my head out there, and hope someone else connects.
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