If I attempt to put a $15 fillet of fresh Ahi tuna into my mac and cheese, a gormet meal it does not make, even if it's organic mac. That and husband may get a little tetchy. Thank goodness I asked first. *grin*

On Polayamory

In quotations,

From a dear friend.


"Outsiders seem to immediately equate polyamory with the prototypical "swinging" lifestyle; a shallow sex driven narcisistic constant orgy with little regard for any participant beyond oneself. This bothers me. In my admittedly short experience, the truth is closer to a constantly expanding family of highly individual people, each orbiting multiple others; rapidly reorienting on one relationship or another as they move through life; then swinging back around like some kind of eclectic comet. The metaphor holds true in a number of ways; when relationship goes nova or even just gets a little hot, the whole system is affected."

I do believe...

... This would be a great day to go mad. Anyone care to come along?


The weather today has shifted back to Oregon's normal pattern. It's beautiful mist like rain and cloudy skies, with a little kiss of sun at random moments throughout the day. Then a little blush of moon shinning through the clouds in the evening. Ah the comforts of home and the cycle of the wheel coming to an end.

Yesterday, one of my favorite authors (Robert Jordan) passed away. He had a disease very similar to the one my sister passed away from and that is now trying to claim my mother. He was in the process of completing the last book of a very eloquently well done fantasy series called "The Wheel of Time". Peace to him and his family this day. Although, I hope the bikers that threatened to desecrate his grave if he died before the books completion, were really jesting.

I feel like I am spending much time in solitude lately. I am not sure of it being a positive or negative influence on me yet. The fall is a busy time for everyone, including my family, my partners, and me. So, one day at a time, minute by minute, I have been working on the things that need to get done in preparation for the fall and the winter to follow, and await precious time to unfold itself and opportunity to enjoy other things in my life.

Passing through the veil

Some research implies that the soul weighs approximately 5oz. It is believed among some that when we sleep and our soul wanders through the night away from our bodies, astrally projecting in an unconscious manner. That when the body gets distracted and we quiver and shake awake it is our soul slamming back into our bodies at something similar to light speed, marrying the exoteric and esoteric part of our existence back into one functional conscious unit. It is also said that at the point of death the body losses 5oz. when all the electrical circuits come to a full stop. Thus supporting the theory of our souls weight. Whether this is proven accurate or not I have no say.

I do know that the soul of a person is not measured to most scientifically. At least not in a way most think. For the weight of a soul may be light, but when it disperses the burden is heavy as any mountain on back of those whom it touches. Memories have a way a popping into our heads, whether good ones or bad, we are left grief stricken. Swimming in thoughts and remorse for someone and the energy of them that we are not able to experience in our brain's limited capacity and time tables. The dark unknown awaits all of us. We expect that we will grow old and die. Not many expect that the time may come sooner for themselves or others. In which it becomes tragic and heart wrenching when we feel someone was too young, or too under accomplished for there time to be over.

I step in on naked feet
Walk through sands many don't see
acknowledge strands that sing endlessly
But I came in with naked feet
Waded through oceans
screamed with trees
Lifted by the web
Dew rests on my lips
A tuned instrument
Given a kiss

Busy day

*Cross Posted from my live journal

Got up bright and early, Walked downstairs to my back-up storage unit (the mini-van), Pulled my camping gear out, got into closets and boxes foraging for more material to start another 10-hour day of sewing like a Asian in a sweatshop (hey I am part Chinese, I can take it), Unpacked my china (which was protected by part of my material stash), Sewed for hours on end, and then went to coffee and practiced sign language for 4 hours. Tomorrow will not be as relaxed.

My shining moments of the day were completing my two pirate wench outfits. In which I looked so sexy and wenchy I fetched beers a half hour afterwards for people. Then in signing practice I learned survival signs, like coffee and chocolate; and teenage communication, like whatever, don't care, stupid, and not listening.

All in all, It was a busy but fulfilling day.

Friday morning we are off to the event!!

YAY!

The week crashes down on me

*cross posted

I try to stay in tune with the vibrations of life. My mother laying sick in bed, I try to make her as comfortable as possible.She worries about what's going on, and my reaction to my situation. It's not about me right now I tell her. Let's just get you more comfortable. She loves me so much. She reads me so well. I thought talking about it would really let her down. She still thinks highly of me. She still treats me as an adult. I message her painful feet and legs. I rub her back,. Barry turns up her oxygen. We sit and hold hands with her. I give her kisses on her forehead. Look into her eyes. We laugh a little, to ease the pain. Then I have to leave, in a few days I will be back and do it all over again. I would forever for her. But leaving even for a little I feel like I am abandoning her.

Expressing love in relationships

So today I ask myself to look at all of my interpersonal relationships. I am blessed with many people in my life in which I love in as many different ways. SO why is it I can tel my friends how much I love them, yet have a problem when it comes to expressing that to my "lovers"? I get all choked up when I have the burning urge to say the same.

Is it fear of rejection? No i really don't think that's it. Is it fear of the words not being returned? NO I don't think that's it either. My feelings are my own, if someone hasn't had enough time to know whether they love me or not, or if the word has a different meaning to them, it still doesn't effect my emotions in anyway. I have been looking in side myself to solve this riddle.

I really think what it is all about is sex. Dumb as that may seem. It seems like the people I have sex with, are the ones I fear saying the words to the most. But currently the people I have sex with are the ones that are closest in my life. I do love them all. SO what's up? A while back I had a wonderful night with one of my partners and I just wanted to tell him how much I love him, yet my heart was racing and I couldn't do it. But inside I was glowing, with love and passion, adoration and respect for him.

I think my fear stems in the fact that so many people equate sex with love. I have purposefully concentrated in my entire life to not have the attitude that good sex = Love, because in many cases it doesn't. Especially when you have sex with a new partner in the beginning of your relationship. So here lies my issue. I know I would love the people in my life whether I was having sex with them or not. Don't get me wrong the sex is powerful and amazing. Nonetheless I would still love them. Yet there is that over looming feeling that if I express that love it may seem to reflect in a different light due to the sex.

So pretty much I talk myself in circles. How could a word and such a good feeling cause so much anxiety? I am not sure I have had this problem as badly before. But I know I have had it in the past. One word just doesn't seem to cover the intensity of my friendship, trust, respect, and desire to always have a person in my life. I feel it falls short and is too easily misinterpreted.

I know I love many, that's what is so wonderful about my life and the people in it. We all have the capacity to really love and respect the others in our life in such amazing ways, and it seems the more we express it the more we all learn and grow from each other. So why not just look into someones eyes when you are overjoyed with their presence and say " wow you're amazing, I love having you in my life, thank you for being with me, I love you." ? Doesn't seem that hard, but for this closet sensualist it really can be.

Backpacking the universe and the esoteric deistractions of an exoteric life

I've been thinking lot lately about the general populaces "sense of community". Or even lack thereof. It seems this planets human population is splitting into two parts, the consumers who just can't get enough product, toys and money for their personal lifes, and the people who focus more on the large picture of humanities roles on this earth, the way we interact with each other and the planet. Who are you? This shift has been happening for generations and I am sure will go on for many more through the generational cycles. Today I ask myself, "what will I leave behind to make the future better? How am I living to take an active part in social and ecological changes and preservation.

I've been reading alot over the last few years on ecological sustainable living. Most people when they hear or think about it, think of the woods in the middle of nowhere with a whole bunch of hippies on a commune. But that is no longer becoming the case. People now have the ability to still live in the cities and build eco-friendly houses and co-operative communities without compromising their lifestyle. Workshops all over the country (many here in the NW) can help you learn how to make wonderfully ascetic eco-friendly housing without being a millionaire. Also co-op communities are better run through the legal systems better understanding of their communities needs. We are not to the point where everything is perfect, in a matter of fact we are still very young as communities in how these things are done. But progress is being made.

Also what are we doing to better the lives of those around us? Demeanor, action, interaction, and involvement are keys to building a community. Through community centers and projects how are we bettering our relationship with those in the city in which we interact? Opportunities exist, more opportunities can be brought on by anyone with a good idea. Balancing ecology and technology as well as connecting with our communities is very possible with minimal effort. What if we all just put a little more then minimal effort to commune with our city brothers and sisters? Bring Ideas together and take positive actions for all. Not just those who are similar to you, but the community as a whole. A smile spreads throughout the day, so does a frown. A good idea with a smile I believe goes much better than a good idea with negativity laced in it. A friendly hello and a brainstorm of random community members on even the smallest scale can spread and make a better place for all. Share an idea, help a neighbor, live within the earths limitations, understand the people and enviroment around you. I think we can all help things go easier and faster if we do it together.


P.S.
Thank you for reading my babble. Just had to get some of what's in my head out there, and hope someone else connects.

okay okay, I know...

It's been a long time since I have posted. I did get the move done. I have been settled in (mostly) to my ever messy and overcrowded apt. in the city. Now I finally have access to the net in my home again.

Many things have happened since my move most of them busy tales of day to day living in the life and times as a mother of three and partner to three more. Although I did get to introduce my wonderful Christy Kat to her first metaphysical shop last week.

So life goes on, and so do I. Trying to find the least mundane way of living everyday life, awhile balancing the necessity's with the niceties. Yeah, still working on that one. As the house gets dirtier and the "to do" list racks up. Yet here I am at 2 something in the am typing away knowing I have to get up in the morning.

Yeah....

I think I will get back to you a little more well rested.

SO yeah... The move...

Still moving. Still packing.

Funny thing happened the other day.

I woke up to a few phone calls of disaster and completely begin to panic. I went outside for a breath of air and could not calm down. Next thing I know the phone rings. It's Arlo. So I pick it up and the first thing he says is "Don't Panic". He didn't even know what was goping on that moring, but out of the blue called me from work to tell me not to panic. I don't think he realizes how perfect some of the words come out of his mouth sometimes.