Friday, September 29, 2006
Tantric yoga and BDSM.. (A little TMI)
Okay I feel really dense at this moment. Yoga and Tantra, yeah I've gotten that for a while, I practiced tantric yoga evryday for quite a while (which honestly I should do again). I had never thought of BDSM and Tanra. I mean Tantra yeah, of course it's magick, my energy levels have gotten insane compared to where they use to be. So I get it, you know.
Then I was cruising around looking at some tantric things and see info on Tantric BDSM. My first thought was "well yeah, that makes sense". My second thought was "Wow I could imagine..". I mean I have GOT to do this! Like tonight! And why in the hell haven't I done it yet?
Every sexual encounter for me has got to have some tanric experience in it, that's just the way I am. Of course if you look at it, sex is tantra (but tantra is NOT sex) Sex is another way to raise and manipulate energy. Not only that, but share and connect energies with others. Okay I could so totaly go of on a Philotic Strand theory tangent right now..
But I digress.
This is something that I need to experement with. Which makes me all giddy inside, when I find something that I haven't quite done yet *laughs*.
Then I was cruising around looking at some tantric things and see info on Tantric BDSM. My first thought was "well yeah, that makes sense". My second thought was "Wow I could imagine..". I mean I have GOT to do this! Like tonight! And why in the hell haven't I done it yet?
Every sexual encounter for me has got to have some tanric experience in it, that's just the way I am. Of course if you look at it, sex is tantra (but tantra is NOT sex) Sex is another way to raise and manipulate energy. Not only that, but share and connect energies with others. Okay I could so totaly go of on a Philotic Strand theory tangent right now..
But I digress.
This is something that I need to experement with. Which makes me all giddy inside, when I find something that I haven't quite done yet *laughs*.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
My appointment
So I went up to portland in what I like to call the "way too wee" hours of the morning. Most other people just call it rush hour. Saw the doctor after arriving 20 minutes late. Had a good talk with him about what was going on. Barry even *gasp* held his banter to a minimum.
The doctor did a few tests there in the office, one of which consisted of an info red device they use to look at the movement of your eyes in the dark. He showed what they looked like during the test to me on the monitor. Way cool. As I already know my right ear is screwed up. So, the doctor is scheduling a day for me at the Good Sam. hospital to have more testing done. Since I live an hour plus away, he scheduled them all on the same day. He did want me that I would get very ill, as they are trying to get the worse response during the testing. Sound like a blast. *sigh*. Oh well nothing to it, it's just one day.
When all the testing is said and done we will know a little more. He was quite vexed at the fact that I can't have an MRI. That being the first diagnostic (and best for that matter) to be used. Then when I explain the copious amounts of metal in my face and skull, he agreed maybe that wasn't the best thing. Although he did rag on me about being a hard patient. He was a pretty cool doc. I hope he stays that way. I am done with psycho moody doctors, it was refreshing seeing someone professional
The doctor did a few tests there in the office, one of which consisted of an info red device they use to look at the movement of your eyes in the dark. He showed what they looked like during the test to me on the monitor. Way cool. As I already know my right ear is screwed up. So, the doctor is scheduling a day for me at the Good Sam. hospital to have more testing done. Since I live an hour plus away, he scheduled them all on the same day. He did want me that I would get very ill, as they are trying to get the worse response during the testing. Sound like a blast. *sigh*. Oh well nothing to it, it's just one day.
When all the testing is said and done we will know a little more. He was quite vexed at the fact that I can't have an MRI. That being the first diagnostic (and best for that matter) to be used. Then when I explain the copious amounts of metal in my face and skull, he agreed maybe that wasn't the best thing. Although he did rag on me about being a hard patient. He was a pretty cool doc. I hope he stays that way. I am done with psycho moody doctors, it was refreshing seeing someone professional
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Maid service?
My house looks like it needs a bulldozer, and not on the outside.
Seems everytime I turn around a new mess is to cleaned. I am not one of those 50's moms who spends the day cleaning and cooking, and well niether are my children. we always seem to have other things to do lately. I need a housekeeper, badly. I just feel like it's a waist of money when I have a 19yr old and three other kids in the house.
Barry got home tonight, spending most of my time with him so I will make this one short.
Seems everytime I turn around a new mess is to cleaned. I am not one of those 50's moms who spends the day cleaning and cooking, and well niether are my children. we always seem to have other things to do lately. I need a housekeeper, badly. I just feel like it's a waist of money when I have a 19yr old and three other kids in the house.
Barry got home tonight, spending most of my time with him so I will make this one short.
Saturday, September 23, 2006
New earings
I finally went and bought my new earings today. They blend very well, I love them. They didn't have the ivory ones I wanted anymore, but these where much better anyway. They are made from wood. So I kept my glass ones to sleep and shower in.
Friday, September 22, 2006
Murphy rules of engagement...
I was thinking about our house rules of engagement for arguing and debate last night. (as we were having a debate and I was explaining the rules to another person). they have worked quite well in the last 7 years. So I have decided to write them down for the first time..
Phrases and words banned from arguments and debate..
1) "Never" (as in "you never...", etc. Absolutes are unfair and %99 of the time untrue)
2) "Always" (see above)
3) "Wrong" (as in "you're wrong")
4) "Right" (as in "I am right")
5) "Break up", "divorce," (as in "well I guess we might as well just give up/divorce/break up ect.)
6) "Can't" (i.e. "you can't" , " I can't" etc.)
7)"you Make me" (i.e. "you make me feel", "You make me do" {you are your own desicion factory)
8) "You are.." (i.e. "you are {insert negative conatation here})
I am sure there are more, but these are the big ones that come to mind..
Phrases and words encouraged...
1) "I feel that..." or "I don't feel that"
2) "I want"
3)"I see it as"
4) "I would like"
5) "I don't like"
Etc.
Phrases and words banned from arguments and debate..
1) "Never" (as in "you never...", etc. Absolutes are unfair and %99 of the time untrue)
2) "Always" (see above)
3) "Wrong" (as in "you're wrong")
4) "Right" (as in "I am right")
5) "Break up", "divorce," (as in "well I guess we might as well just give up/divorce/break up ect.)
6) "Can't" (i.e. "you can't" , " I can't" etc.)
7)"you Make me" (i.e. "you make me feel", "You make me do" {you are your own desicion factory)
8) "You are.." (i.e. "you are {insert negative conatation here})
I am sure there are more, but these are the big ones that come to mind..
Phrases and words encouraged...
1) "I feel that..." or "I don't feel that"
2) "I want"
3)"I see it as"
4) "I would like"
5) "I don't like"
Etc.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Autumn is here..
Well for today anyway.
The air has a slightly crisp sent, a small wet chill , and raindrops have been falling ever so gently all day long. I sat outside for a while today, warm coffee in hand, just enjoying the smells and sights of autumn aproaching. It is suppose to warm back up a little this weekend on saturday, but summer is just letting us know she was here and soon autumn will have taken over fully. This is my favorate season. I love the beauty Oregon gets this time of year. Nothing beats the smells of candles and wet leaves falling. Along with the wonderfull hues of green. orange, red, and yellow that are apparent everywhere. The feeling of snuggling in next to my loved ones and listening to soft jazz and drinking warm wines and coffees makes my heart smile with content.
The air has a slightly crisp sent, a small wet chill , and raindrops have been falling ever so gently all day long. I sat outside for a while today, warm coffee in hand, just enjoying the smells and sights of autumn aproaching. It is suppose to warm back up a little this weekend on saturday, but summer is just letting us know she was here and soon autumn will have taken over fully. This is my favorate season. I love the beauty Oregon gets this time of year. Nothing beats the smells of candles and wet leaves falling. Along with the wonderfull hues of green. orange, red, and yellow that are apparent everywhere. The feeling of snuggling in next to my loved ones and listening to soft jazz and drinking warm wines and coffees makes my heart smile with content.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Sociology
Or better titled
The lack of commiment to pursue the "working" knowlege of other cultures, people, customs, and morals.
I have been very frustrated with the many things I see on the net these days. Lots of discusions of politics as usual, along with the moral values of todays society. Think you're outside the box? When you hear the term "moral values" you cringe thinking of conservative anti-gay marraige pro-lifers in DC.? Then step back for a minute and get away form the details and look at the bigger picture, cause you're not even close.
There are quite a few interesting topics that are viewed very negatively that IMO are not being looked from all sides. To list a few.. Foriegn policy, group Marriage (esp. polygamy), Arragned marriage, Religious gender roles, etc.
I find too often that many people are quick to veiw many of these things as "oppresive", "offensive", "inaceptable". The funny thing ismost are the same people that are rallying to have better acceptance of their rather socialy unaccepted lifestyles. There are extreeme examples of all of these that can be taken from a major negative view. Believe it or not they are not norm. Plus I have not seen many people stop and really think about the culture and community that many are raised in and how ingrained these beliefs and socail practices are into their lives.
Example,
Polygamous wife is scorned for how oppresed she is and why she would choose her lifestyle. Well for one if religion is a factor, not only does she believe that her choice is right, but integral to her eternal life. Also from the non-religous polygamous sects, there is the ansestry and customs that are followed and many will continue to follow and carry on the tradition very happily. How does one poly triad MFF or quad MFFF differ to polygamy? Quess what it doesn't. It has just become a way of saying "Not FLDS or religious fanatic" but still married or "involved with" women. Think it is different if one or all of the women are Bi-sexual. I would ask you to study the history of the hebrews durring the exodus and beyond. Quess what they were bi and Moses was a polygamist (check leviticus {somewhere btwn chapters 18-22?). Also if you are non-judeo (or christain). Then lets look back to a few other cultures. Liek say the native americans, many of such tribes were polygamists AND they did not sleep around (openly with each other). Yet the man not only had to support the women and give them their own land, but could be dumped at the whim of said woman and his wifes as seen fit.
I will continue my other examples tomorrow (this will be a multiple part post). My main point here is that; honestly complaining and trying to fix things that aren't broken causes things to break worse. Cultures dont' willingly change habitsa that have been practiced for thousands of years over someone being offended. I don't expect everyone I meet to be bi-sexual, pagan, jewish, or poly. Nor do I expect evry culture to fit into my box of thinking (or everyone for that matter). Oppression is subjective, if you don't feel oppressed and feel you are living the life you desire feel free. Too many people trash things they just will not take the time and capacity to understand...
To be continued....
The lack of commiment to pursue the "working" knowlege of other cultures, people, customs, and morals.
I have been very frustrated with the many things I see on the net these days. Lots of discusions of politics as usual, along with the moral values of todays society. Think you're outside the box? When you hear the term "moral values" you cringe thinking of conservative anti-gay marraige pro-lifers in DC.? Then step back for a minute and get away form the details and look at the bigger picture, cause you're not even close.
There are quite a few interesting topics that are viewed very negatively that IMO are not being looked from all sides. To list a few.. Foriegn policy, group Marriage (esp. polygamy), Arragned marriage, Religious gender roles, etc.
I find too often that many people are quick to veiw many of these things as "oppresive", "offensive", "inaceptable". The funny thing ismost are the same people that are rallying to have better acceptance of their rather socialy unaccepted lifestyles. There are extreeme examples of all of these that can be taken from a major negative view. Believe it or not they are not norm. Plus I have not seen many people stop and really think about the culture and community that many are raised in and how ingrained these beliefs and socail practices are into their lives.
Example,
Polygamous wife is scorned for how oppresed she is and why she would choose her lifestyle. Well for one if religion is a factor, not only does she believe that her choice is right, but integral to her eternal life. Also from the non-religous polygamous sects, there is the ansestry and customs that are followed and many will continue to follow and carry on the tradition very happily. How does one poly triad MFF or quad MFFF differ to polygamy? Quess what it doesn't. It has just become a way of saying "Not FLDS or religious fanatic" but still married or "involved with" women. Think it is different if one or all of the women are Bi-sexual. I would ask you to study the history of the hebrews durring the exodus and beyond. Quess what they were bi and Moses was a polygamist (check leviticus {somewhere btwn chapters 18-22?). Also if you are non-judeo (or christain). Then lets look back to a few other cultures. Liek say the native americans, many of such tribes were polygamists AND they did not sleep around (openly with each other). Yet the man not only had to support the women and give them their own land, but could be dumped at the whim of said woman and his wifes as seen fit.
I will continue my other examples tomorrow (this will be a multiple part post). My main point here is that; honestly complaining and trying to fix things that aren't broken causes things to break worse. Cultures dont' willingly change habitsa that have been practiced for thousands of years over someone being offended. I don't expect everyone I meet to be bi-sexual, pagan, jewish, or poly. Nor do I expect evry culture to fit into my box of thinking (or everyone for that matter). Oppression is subjective, if you don't feel oppressed and feel you are living the life you desire feel free. Too many people trash things they just will not take the time and capacity to understand...
To be continued....
Friday, September 15, 2006
Rest is for the weary...
Aparently I am not quite weary enough.
I have a busy weekend going on and have tons to do today as well. Murph is working all kinds of messed up split shifts this week. I haven't been getting enough sleep mostly due to him working odd hours and the rapid change in the wheather. Last night I was freezing and didn't even think about an extra blanket on the bed till this morning. I think the time of year to take down my air conditioner is here.
Today is my nephew's 19th birthday. He is going up to my mom's house tonight to spend the night. I think they even mught take my kids so I can get some things done around the house.
Right now I am waiting for my eldest child to get ready for school. He has been ill the last few days, but is feeling better today now that he has slept in a little bit. So he gets to return soon.
I have a busy weekend going on and have tons to do today as well. Murph is working all kinds of messed up split shifts this week. I haven't been getting enough sleep mostly due to him working odd hours and the rapid change in the wheather. Last night I was freezing and didn't even think about an extra blanket on the bed till this morning. I think the time of year to take down my air conditioner is here.
Today is my nephew's 19th birthday. He is going up to my mom's house tonight to spend the night. I think they even mught take my kids so I can get some things done around the house.
Right now I am waiting for my eldest child to get ready for school. He has been ill the last few days, but is feeling better today now that he has slept in a little bit. So he gets to return soon.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Evilish fun with paint...
When I got done with this I thought "Wow, that loks like a flyer for some fetish party" that's either a good thing or a very bad one..lol
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
A little funny from one of my forums..
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Damn morning people...
So I have been realy sick the last few days. Enough so to where I have been in a drug induceed sleep for a good amount of the time. Last night I tried to cut down on my medication a little bit and still assed out by 8:30am. Only now the medication isn't as strong I am wide awake this morning. I woke up at 6:00am and sent the kids off to school. So I decided to go ahead and go over and wake up Veronica as well so we can get an early start on all the stuff we have to do today. I don't understand what the apeal is to be awake at this hour. Nothing is going on and there is only so much news a person could watch. I guess that's why people jog in the mornings, it's just that boring.
Monday, September 11, 2006
DO you need something?...
Okay here's the game...
Go to google and search for your name and needs i.e. Alister needs
Then see what you some up with. Only use the parts such as "Alister needs a cat".
List the first ten.
So here goes mine...
1.shannon needs her mother
2.Shannon needs to learn how to soothe her moods with something other than food (ooo Harsh!)
3.Shannon Needs Motivation!
4.Shannon needs help Please Donate financial invest future children love cash charity humanity depression suicide give gives giving
5.Shannon needs information on responsible sexual behavior. ...
6.Shannon needs to be more professional
7.Shannon needs patient, loving parents who are familiar with the effects of neglect and abuse on children;
8.Shannon needs to answer these questions to the public's satisfaction
9.Shannon needs to figure out how to get back to Oklahoma without being killed
10.Shannon needs opportunities to play
One step further...
1.Shannon always looks good!
2.Shannon always remembers the words her father told her as a child
3. Shannon always knew it would come in handy
4.Shannon always plays the "hot naked girl"
5. Shannon always has a resolution or happy ending
Loves and friends...
1.Barry needs to sit down and take a breather
Barry always seems to capture subjects that are serious, but manages to put a funny twist on them.
2.Veronica needs to stop seeing her daughter as evidence that she was suckered
Veronica always felt like Duncan was the one she was supposed to end up with (ROTFL)
3.Kurtis needs to find that breakthrough first win
Kurtis is always abreast of the news
4.Andrew needs… …all the prayers he can get - if there is a god and he’s vindictive
Andrew always had the sense of humor no one else could understand.
5.Katie needs to realize what she has gotten herself into!
Katie always managed to play with the young ones
6.Justin needs a webmonkey
Justin always escaped to in order to get away from these shouting, confusing voices and search out the quiet inner
7.Hollie needs absolutely no work whatsoever
Hollie always cares
8.Christina Needs The Guidance
Christina always sets herself apart from her counterparts
9.Yoder needs to press charges and give these young adults community service for what they have done
Yoder always made himself available to me
10.Lilith Needs a Favor
Lilith always loves an adventure of working with a person with fresh ideas and open mind
Go to google and search for your name and needs i.e. Alister needs
Then see what you some up with. Only use the parts such as "Alister needs a cat".
List the first ten.
So here goes mine...
1.shannon needs her mother
2.Shannon needs to learn how to soothe her moods with something other than food (ooo Harsh!)
3.Shannon Needs Motivation!
4.Shannon needs help Please Donate financial invest future children love cash charity humanity depression suicide give gives giving
5.Shannon needs information on responsible sexual behavior. ...
6.Shannon needs to be more professional
7.Shannon needs patient, loving parents who are familiar with the effects of neglect and abuse on children;
8.Shannon needs to answer these questions to the public's satisfaction
9.Shannon needs to figure out how to get back to Oklahoma without being killed
10.Shannon needs opportunities to play
One step further...
1.Shannon always looks good!
2.Shannon always remembers the words her father told her as a child
3. Shannon always knew it would come in handy
4.Shannon always plays the "hot naked girl"
5. Shannon always has a resolution or happy ending
Loves and friends...
1.Barry needs to sit down and take a breather
Barry always seems to capture subjects that are serious, but manages to put a funny twist on them.
2.Veronica needs to stop seeing her daughter as evidence that she was suckered
Veronica always felt like Duncan was the one she was supposed to end up with (ROTFL)
3.Kurtis needs to find that breakthrough first win
Kurtis is always abreast of the news
4.Andrew needs… …all the prayers he can get - if there is a god and he’s vindictive
Andrew always had the sense of humor no one else could understand.
5.Katie needs to realize what she has gotten herself into!
Katie always managed to play with the young ones
6.Justin needs a webmonkey
Justin always escaped to in order to get away from these shouting, confusing voices and search out the quiet inner
7.Hollie needs absolutely no work whatsoever
Hollie always cares
8.Christina Needs The Guidance
Christina always sets herself apart from her counterparts
9.Yoder needs to press charges and give these young adults community service for what they have done
Yoder always made himself available to me
10.Lilith Needs a Favor
Lilith always loves an adventure of working with a person with fresh ideas and open mind
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Gotta Love Wikki!!
Polyamory
A lovebird
Polyamory is the love of tending and raising flocks of parrots as pets. Many polyamorists are therefore sea pirates.
As large flocks of birds are time-consuming to maintain, many (but not all) polyamorists live in ménages à trois or ménages à quatre so that the necessary tasks may be divided between the three or more people in the relationship.
Polyamorists are not adulterous as each of their partners is aware of all of these relationships. They are also not swingers, due to the primary emphasis on relationships instead of exclusively sexual or social activities.
In some cases, there are secondary relationships or long-distance relationships involved, although LDRs are more suited to those who tend carrier pigeons (instead of parrots) to deliver their love letters.
When not raising parrots, polyamorists often engage in SCA or Wiccan activity to pass the time - if, evidently, there's still time left after all the effort required both for parrot-tending and for endless discussions of "the relationship" and "mastering jealousy" which go with the ménage à trois relationship structure.
A lovebird
Polyamory is the love of tending and raising flocks of parrots as pets. Many polyamorists are therefore sea pirates.
As large flocks of birds are time-consuming to maintain, many (but not all) polyamorists live in ménages à trois or ménages à quatre so that the necessary tasks may be divided between the three or more people in the relationship.
Polyamorists are not adulterous as each of their partners is aware of all of these relationships. They are also not swingers, due to the primary emphasis on relationships instead of exclusively sexual or social activities.
In some cases, there are secondary relationships or long-distance relationships involved, although LDRs are more suited to those who tend carrier pigeons (instead of parrots) to deliver their love letters.
When not raising parrots, polyamorists often engage in SCA or Wiccan activity to pass the time - if, evidently, there's still time left after all the effort required both for parrot-tending and for endless discussions of "the relationship" and "mastering jealousy" which go with the ménage à trois relationship structure.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
I'm The Vampire That's Why..
Jury is still out on this new book. I wouldn't mind reading it, but I am not sure I want to spend the money on buying it. I have heard good and mediocre reviews. Why the hell am I so cheap with my books? Well when I have no money for my coffee and I look at the newest book I bought that I hated, it hurts. Curiosity may get me with this one. I was just thinking I need a light humorous read, and this may be just down my alley.
I'm The Vampire That's Why
I'm The Vampire That's Why
Monday, September 04, 2006
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Safety from the midlife crisis and shelter from the mormons..
So my nephew moved in with us today. Wasn't a really big move. He just had some clothes and crap with him.
Out of respect for my life and my older sister not kicking my ass I will not elaborate at this time.
I got to se my dad this morning and introduce him to my girlfriend. All was very interesting. He deals with me well for being a conservative mormon. Planning on seeing him Saturday next week and taking the kids for a visit with my mom for a while.
My sister is gone at burning man for the week, she doesn't even know her son is here yet.
All I have to say is that you can tell eventhough he is 4 years older that him and my freinds daughter Anxiety deffinatly have the same birthday. That day comes with a quick wit and stinging toungue when backed into a corner.
Out of respect for my life and my older sister not kicking my ass I will not elaborate at this time.
I got to se my dad this morning and introduce him to my girlfriend. All was very interesting. He deals with me well for being a conservative mormon. Planning on seeing him Saturday next week and taking the kids for a visit with my mom for a while.
My sister is gone at burning man for the week, she doesn't even know her son is here yet.
All I have to say is that you can tell eventhough he is 4 years older that him and my freinds daughter Anxiety deffinatly have the same birthday. That day comes with a quick wit and stinging toungue when backed into a corner.
Friday, September 01, 2006
Christina damaging my mind...
As she pipes up with..
"It's not incest if he's holding the camera."
Gawds!!
"It's not incest if he's holding the camera."
Gawds!!
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